Tag - care

The Broken Drum

I am a broken drum that was neglected for a while.

You might not know that I was broken but I am.

One day I fell and now my wood is cracked.

I thought that I was not worthy of being played because I was damaged and imperfect and my shame kept me silent.

But I discovered by chance that if my skin is warmed and I am given a little love my beat still travels and enters the places where it is needed.

My song is launched into the eternity of space and bounces like a cosmic pinball off distant stars and planets.

And sometimes the human wound is the place where I enter as my low, gentle sound permeates and weaves its way deeply in.

My imperfect vibration hums home and sets the particles of being to dance and realign and clear.

For there is always clearing to be done in this earth realm, there is always space for one more sacred song to be sung by a broken drum.

Always a deeper layer as round and round life’s spiral dance whirls.

I am a broken drum who sometimes feels shame for his brokenness.

I feel it fully and surrender knowing that it was not my fault that I fell from the wall where I was hung.

The present is my home now and though I may fall again, I shall rise again too, like the wooden beater as it strikes the skin, stretched tight over my broken wooden frame.

I am a broken drum and I fell and my wood is cracked.

And yet still my heart song plays on.

 

 

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Sacred Masculine or Scared Masculine?

The truth is, it’s a fine line!

I lived the first fifteen years of my life in fear that my step mother would assault me while I was at home and when I was at school I lived in fear that I would be teased by my peers for wearing uncool clothes or be verbally or physically attacked by the rougher kids from the other more working class estate.  After I left home I spent seven years with no fixed abode in fear of my fellow drug crazed traveller friends, the abuse of power by the police or local vigilantes.  Yes, fear was my constant companion.  It was there lurking in the shadows all the time like Gollum in Lord of the Rings, following, waiting, whispering.

Fear is a natural aspect of being human.  It is designed to keep us safe so that we alerted to danger and choose appropriate action when our safety is threatened.  But what if we are a child and there are no options that will make us safe?  Then we find ourselves in fight and flight all of the time and the flow of cortisol and stress chemicals become our default state, placing great stress on our adrenal glands and our biology so that our bodies have to try to compensate for this as best they can.  Add to this, if you are in a male body, the platitude that ‘big boys don’t cry’ so that these fear based emotions are not allowed to be processed and we have the beginnings of boys supressing and denying their feelings.  Every young boy will experience fear to varying degrees no matter how lovingly he is raised and consciously or unconsciously will absorb the information that you are ‘less than’ if you feel fear and often are actually  taught to feel shame for feeling fear when it does arise and it can’t be concealed. So we learn to give ourselves a hard time for having a hard time, we shame ourselves!

When a baby is upset or fearful it will cry and alert it’s carers that something is wrong and hopefully it will be attended to.  The emotion is expressed through the sound and through the release of tears.  When a duck has finished a skirmish with another, it will raise itself up and flap its wings to release any of the emotion created in the conflict.  Nature has designed it so that emotional energy is released as it is felt and therefore causes no lasting physical, psychological or emotional harm.

But what happens when a boy or a man’s fear is not expressed?  Then we have a whole society of boys in men’s bodies who adopt many different ways to numb or distract or to conceal their fear. This is most commonly done through addictions like overworking, alcohol, pornography, over consuming food or material things, wearing the mask of status or striving for what our dysfunctional society calls ‘success’. And sadly we leave the realms of our bodies, of our hearts, of our feelings and we retreat into our heads. We become talking heads. If our male leaders were truly in touch with their feelings they could not make the decisions that they do which they know will cause so much suffering to children, women and the planet. These are the very things that the sacred man knows he was born to protect, to raise up and honour.  But we live in a world where men are taught not to feel and we see the result of this disconnect between head and heart.

Let’s be clear that most if not all ‘negative’ or uncomfortable emotions arise from fear: shame, jealousy, guilt, anger all have fear at their root.  This is why the road to sacred masculinity is paved with fear.  To make that epic journey from the head back to the heart I have had to feel much of the fear that had been trapped in my body for decades.  Sometimes I feel fear and I don’t know what it is related to and I just have to trust that it is old energy leaving. Sometimes a situation will trigger an old memory and fear will arise that is far in excess of the current situation.

I know that this issue is not necessarily gender specific.  Women carry the same wound to a large extent.  So it is vitally important that when a man is making that courageous journey back to his heart that he is not shamed or dishonoured for whatever arises.  I have been held in the arms of men and sobbed and sobbed uncontrollably at times when I felt safe enough to allow the years of unexpressed fear to be felt and to leave.  The sacred masculine is not a hunky, tattooed, warrior who fears nothing. He is a man who dares to walk a road without a map because there is little record of this happening before on this earth in our recorded, censored and distorted ‘his’story. He is a man who keeps stepping toward what he fears regardless of how much it evokes haunted memories of past injustices or abuse or shaming that he suffered.

I feel it is no coincidence that the words sacred and scared are so similar.  To become sacred you must acknowledge your scaredness.  You must make fear your constant companion until it is time for you to go your separate ways. Perhaps that day will come or perhaps it will not.  I don’t know because for now I know that, although in much smaller ways, I still find, that I am asked to embrace and honour my fears most days. It seems the journey of becoming the best version of ourselves is never ending and letting go of fear is key to this process.

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Time To Shine

As we draw closer and closer to midsummer Solstice when the sun is at its zenith I am reminded that now is a good time to shine. Now is a time of action, a time when right action that arises from a place of love, from deep within and through, is being asked of us. We are asked to stop playing small and to step up into and be the light, to speak and be our truth so that we might illuminate the way for others who are stirring from their slumber and are ready and willing to do their work, to go to the dark places within to transform their shadows into the light.

As I drop deeper and deeper into the cycles of Mother nature the rhythm of my life becomes the rhythm of Life itself. The past winter months invited me into the depths of the fecund earth within and there was a deep cleansing and sifting and excavating that was done. From this work of the sacred masculine, arose a rich array of poems and prose pieces, the uncut diamonds dug from the deep that I polished and honed until I was ready for them to see the light of day.  And the best gift of this labour is an increasing sense of peace and knowing that I am comfortable and at home in this human skin…for now!

And as the spring months crept in to reveal the birthing of nature’s bounty all around, the momentum of my doing began also to increase.  At the bequest of forces beyond me I was beckoned to up my game and step more fully into the arena of service and contribution.  At first there was a sense of overwhelm and the familiar voice of my inner critic moaned and complained and protested; but when we know that we cannot not do what Life is asking of us we push through the challenging terrain of not knowing and uncertainty, checking in regularly with our honed discernment that our doing has not become another subtle form of self avoidance.   With our internal compass of integrity and self care we put one foot in front of the other as we make this new unique path over virgin ground so that others may follow if they choose.

In the midst of our doing we remember to stop and honour the wisdom of balance and we take stock of our journey, looking back down the path with gratitude for every challenge and obstacle that barred our way temporarily so that we would realise the fullness of our determination, our power and our sense that this path is the one we were destined to travel.

Now is a good time to shine and we know that the brighter the light shines the clearer the shadows become.  Not everyone will welcome our brightness as our beams may illuminate aspects of themselves that they had invested much time and energy in burying! As Marianne Williamson once said: ‘If when you speak, all you are getting is applause, then you are probably not saying the right things.’  Not everyone is comfortable with bright light and over anxious egos will insist that their way is the only ‘right’ way.  And still we keep on shining.  When the wind blows, the fire’s flame may be temporarily diminished but we have a choice to let our light be extinguished or whether this wind will fan our flames to remind us that our light emanates from a glowing ember of love that cannot easily be extinguished. We are reminded that all our lives have been preparing us to do this shining work.  The taunts of ‘Who me?’ and ‘Who do you think you are?’ are welcome companions to ensure our humility and authenticity but they no longer dim our light.

As we make our way towards Summer Solstice I deepen the embrace of  this doing and I know that the darker seasons of autumn and winter will soon enough be with me to go within and mine more treasures to be shared with my tribe. But for now it is a time of celebration and joyous work and coming together and dancing and singing and being alive together under the vastness of the sky on this sacred garden planet. Summer storms and rain will inevitably come and go. But right now, this very moment close your eyes with me, as Life breathes you in and breathes you out, remember, feel it, and know, that now is a good time to shine…

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Yesterday I Fell…

…the challenges had been coming too quick and fast and I didn’t have enough time to regroup and centre myself. I forgot about me and tried to carry too much.  The fear touched some tender scars and the discomfort in my body clouded my vision and I lost sight of who I really am. My little boy got scared and the man was a little too hard on him.

Yesterday I fell, I held space for those who I was responsible for as best as I could and gave my best knowing that it was good enough. In the giving I received and I was reminded of my worth. It needed to be a gentle day. Everything that was not immediately necessary was put on hold while I rested in my falling, while I viewed everything from my new vantage point in the corner of my world with my arms hugging my tucked up knees and my head bowed.  I rocked myself gently.

Yesterday I fell and yet my friend phoned asking if now was a good time to call. And I replied that the timing was perfect and I gave thanks for the beauty of friends and connection and I spoke my truth from a tender vulnerable place inside me. And I missed him when he was gone.

Yesterday I fell and still I moved around the grey alien landscape of the supermarket buying groceries that would be needed for the imminent arrival of my son so that there would be wholesome sustenance for both of us. I moved around the distant world getting stuff done and the shapes of people were unaware that I had fallen.

Yesterday I fell and still my soul heard the call and my heavy legs walked the sanctuary of my hills, plodding my way up to the summit and turning to face the sun that appeared momentarily from behind the thick, mottled clouds. I lay and allowed my body to be held by the earth and I breathed it all in and breathed it all out allowing the sun’s rays into my wide open mouth and then gulped and swallowed lungs full of sunshine into me.

Yesterday I fell and so I took myself to bed early and snuggled myself under the comfort of my warm soft covers and felt my fallen-ness. I felt the heavy sensations in my tired body and with my mind I caressed my weariness.

Yesterday I fell and today I awake to the sound of rain outside my open window. The clouds have broken and let fall their cleansing drops and the air feels fresher and lighter again. There was not a spectacular sunrise to be seen today but never the less a new day has dawned.  My tender heart reminds me to go gently for today I rise again. Today is a new day and today I rise and I am at peace knowing that ‘all is well and all manner of things shall be well,’ in spite of the fact and partly because…yesterday I fell.

 

 

 

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Sacred Masculine Energy Needed!

Of CNN’s list of the 27 Deadliest Mass Shooters, 26 of Them Had One Thing in Common:
Only one was raised by his biological father since childhood. The other 26 were all fatherless. 🙁
 
In the article I read Susanne Venker of Fox News goes on to explain that “Indeed, there is a direct correlation between boys who grow up with absent fathers and boys who drop out of school, who drink, who do drugs, who become delinquent and who wind up in prison,” she writes. “And who kill their classmates.”
“Fatherlessness is a serious problem. America’s boys have been under stress for decades. It’s not toxic masculinity hurting them, it’s the fact that when they come home there are no fathers there. Plain and simple. Add that to a bunch of horrible cultural trends telling them that everything bad is good (gang culture, drugs, misogyny, etc.), and we’ve got a serious problem on our hands.”
 
The USA has massive issues with broken boys etc but this is certainly a world wide issue.I see it all the time with the young men that I mentor. My work is just a drop in the ocean and I know that every drop counts. I also know that as we men do our inner work we are shifting the masculine energy vibration and this is impacting on the collective future of boys and men.
 
Often when we read news stories about mass shootings etc it seems like the problem is overwhelming and we don’t know where to start. But doing our own work contributes massively. Both men and women have masculine energy within. Like yin and yang both are present within the other, so both genders can work to purify their masculine energy in balance with the inner twin flame of their divine feminine. As Rumi says ‘there are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.’
What is your way? How will you contribute to bringing the lost boys home? Because it’s not someone else’s problem to fix; it belongs to each and every one of us. Love in action helps. <3
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What is the Sacred Masculine?

 

‘What is the Sacred Masculine?’ She asked. ‘Well,’ he replied:

‘He is the phoenix risen from the flames, there may be ash on his beard and the smell of smoke in his hair

And He will feel like the sunrise in a peachy, orange sky after the long dark night.

He is the one that was wounded to the core and now stands straight and strong again.

He is the one that was broken and has dressed his own wounds from the battles he fought.

He is the one that wandered the dusty grey shadow lands for ever and a day but has returned to feel the warmth of the sun kiss his scarred flesh.

He is the one that was lost in the dark tangles of the thorny brambles, who now lies on his back in the grassy, sunlit clearing transfixed, mesmerised by the exquisite, simple beauty of the birdsong and the clouds floating by.

It is he who has tamed his wild monkey mind and has become its astute and fair master.

It is he who now rides on the wings of the dragon that once snarled and breathed smoke and fire to keep him from his treasure, hidden in the dark places within.

It is he who falls to his knees at Her feet and kisses Her belly: the spiral, vortex, womb of creation.

It is he who breathes his love into Her, causing her body to shudder and shimmer in ecstasy and release.

It is he who knows where to place his hands and lips and his loving gaze.

It is he who knows that he was born to lead and yet will only lead by following Her guidance.

It is he who will speak his truth even when he knows that he will not be loved for it.

And he who will hold his tongue when it is time to listen tenderly with an open mind and heart.

He is the one with universes and galaxies spinning inside his chest.

He is the one that carries both the sun and moon in his hands and when She beckons they eclipse at his heart.

He is the mirror in which you fear to look because although in his polished silver reflection you will see your dazzling light you will also see the shadows of the forms that you have yet to embrace and make love to.

He is the one who is no longer distracted by the ephemeral trinkets of knowledge and false prophets.

He is the one who looks inside with honest, courageous eyes to see what needs to be seen and cleared with the bright light of his pure awareness and integrity.

He is the one who cries tears of joy at the sound of a child laughing and whose glowing face beams and chuckles at the feel of the puppy’s tongue on his naked feet.

He is the one who will hang his head just long enough to acknowledge his error fully and feel the impact of his choice before raising his face once again, ready to do what is needed to set right that which was not in alignment with truth.

He is the one who is not ashamed to admit when he has been lost for a while in the mist of fear, arrogance and pride; he who embraces his vulnerability with strong, kind arms.

He is the embodiment of divine twin flame alchemy and always a work in progress.’

‘And where will I find him?’ She asked.

‘Be still, listen and feel.’ He replied.

‘Can you hear him?  Can you feel him?  For He is wooing, hunting, longing for you… right now.’

She hung her head.

‘So stop seeking and waiting and balance the twin flame divine masculine and feminine energy within you, for when you are ready your nectar will be fragrant and sweet and as the bumble bee finds the open flower He will surely find you.’

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