Tag - vulnerability

Warriors of the Heart

It takes courage to be a warrior.  It takes courage to raise your sword to fight for what you believe in, to fight for your self or your loved ones.  But do you know what takes even more courage?

It takes even more courage to put down your sword when you have been wielding it for so long that if feels as if it has become a part of your arm.

When man got lost and began using his physical strength to wield power over woman instead of using it to keep her safe, woman was forced to forge and pick up her own sword.  But two cannot embrace and merge fully while one or both still carry their swords, for fear of attack. Cuddling with swords is not to be encouraged!  The generations of fear, distrust and lack of respect that have been passed down through the generations mean that it is difficult to relinquish grip on the handle of the sword that has been protector and security for so long.

So a new kind of courage is needed.  The courage to surrender all weapons.  The courage to be vulnerable.  The courage to own our shadows.  The courage to be vulnerable.  The courage to allow ourselves to relax and soften and be held by another who will at times need to be held too.

The repairing of the bridge between man and woman is essential if we are to create a kinder, more compassionate world for our children and the generations to come.  As we lay down the sword we can use our hands to apply healing balms and herbs that will restore health and wholeness to each other.  These warrior hands must become accustoming to caring, nurturing, caressing ourselves as well as each other  if we are to restore balance and union to the divine masculine and feminine at the heart of men and women.  As we heal ourselves and keep looking within to banish the fear and shadows we soften and can melt and blend into the arms of another more fully and completely.

Don’t you too yearn to be held?

There is much work to be done and this new warrior work is to be guided by forgiveness, integrity, deep honesty and a fierce passion for peace and love.  This new courage of surrender, of nakedness is not for the faint of heart.  For we will find ourselves automatically reaching for our sword time and time again when we are triggered and our wounds are activated.  But fighting is not the answer.  When we deeply commit to a new way of being, Life moves to support and aid us in our healing, blossoming and growth.  We are not alone in this journey because everything is divinely orchestrated for our highest good.

Can you put your sword in the ground and truly say that you forgive all that has gone before? That you are ready to live your life anew from your desire to taste the nectar of divine union and become the heart warrior that you always really were?

Then use your intention now to embrace yourself and allow yourself to be held by another who is also committed to this forgotten way of being. It takes a warrior to great courage to lay down the sword but this is the prerequisite to coming home to divine union with self or with another.  You cannot take your sword into the bedroom!

There has been enough bloodshed, enough disrespect, enough violation, enough manipulation. We have learn well what love is not. Now it is time to realise and embody the truth of love. There is no more time for internal or external battles; it is time for peace. It is time for us to lay down our weapons and melt into union.  It is time for the warriors of the heart.

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The Closed Door

The moon had waxed and waned and time had slipped away down to the ocean and my leaving you has been a great liberation.

And yet the day came when I missed you so much and I wanted you to know, so I wrote and told you.

And there was a softness in your response that en-couraged me to come to your door unannounced, such was the yearning in me to see you, hear your voice, inhale you and perhaps steal a hug, just one more time.

I so wanted to have you in the bed that was ours one more time, but this was not my intention, not this time.

We had spoken of how cruel and hard endings can be when a depth of sharing is suddenly no longer there.  The co-experiences of pain and beauty are now felt alone.

So I came with some herb teas as an excuse to drop by, an attempt to blur the boundaries of what we had and what we no longer have.  A peace offering that said:

‘You had no ideas when we spoke of how we might become friends and I thought that perhaps friends just drop by sometimes with little gifts.’

And so I came.

And when I arrived at your home, that was never really mine, and I saw your car outside, my heart began beating and fluttering in my chest; there was fear and excitement.

I climbed the steps with wobbly legs that led me to your door and I knocked as casually as I knew how to.

And I was met with silence.

I waited before knocking again, this time a little louder.

And the silence deafened me while my heart thudded.

My phone vibrated in my pocket and it was a message from you.

You texted me!

While I stood outside your door you texted me.

Your reasons for remaining behind the door were paper thin and I responded politely doing my best to hide the gentle surge of rejection washing over me and I placed the herbs on your doorstep and left.

Thank you my love.  Thank you for this beautiful reminder of why I had to leave you.

For though you tried so hard, though we both tried so hard, you could never really open the door of your heart to me.

For too long I had stood on your steps pleading and shouting and crying and begging for you to let me in.

But it was not to be.  This was not to be our destiny.  The more I wanted it the more bolts were drawn across your door.

Your gift to me was to remind me again and again, whenever I forgot, that the door to love, peace and union opens inwards.

Every rejection you gifted me was an invitation to step in to myself.

Though the pull and the yearning to hold and be held can be so strong I will practise holding myself again tonight and the peace that becomes more and more familiar will descend; this time a little more deeply than before.

Thank you.  Thank you for not opening your door to me. Though I still miss you, the door to my own heart is now open a little wider and as I keep stepping in, my missing you fades.

And I am grateful for the gift and the blessing of the closed door.

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Bring Him Home – A Twin Flame Love Story

Sometimes you realise that there is something that you need to do or say that you can’t not do!   As soon as the idea arrived to write the story about my transformative twin flame experience I knew that I had to do it. I knew that I had a deep and rich story to share that might touch hearts.  I also felt that by sharing my story there was the potential to help people realise that we are, to a large extent, all living different versions of the same story.  What I mean by this is that we all appear to be subject to the same textures, colours and emotions of this diverse human landscape, they are all experienced in varying degrees and evoked by different scenarios and scripts that are perfectly in alignment for the highest evolution of our souls.

I have learnt that vulnerability is a super power and by sharing the stories of my life it helps me to embrace and honor all the different aspects of who I truly am. At the same time it gives others the permission to relax into imperfection and be okay with sometimes feeling sad, broken, lost and confused too. Societal norms suggest that we keep our shortcomings or weaknesses to ourselves but when we share our challenges everyone breathes a sigh of relief in the confirmation that it is not just them that struggles, gets things wrong and falls down at times. Self-acceptance is perhaps one of the most important qualities to put in our back-pack of tools and resources for the journey back home to self-actualization and union.

They say that relationship is the highest form of yoga and as I wrote I began to see that I wanted to share my experience that evidenced that this approach to relationship is true; that the deepest purpose behind intimate relationship is to know, honour, heal and love ourselves in order to actualize the twin flame divine union within.

As my profound transformation began to settle inside me a new clarity emerged as I wrote and I began to see clearly that this story had other value too. I saw that there was the potential for the healing energy transmission woven into the fabric of the book, to have the power to go beyond our personal stories and to permeate into the very essence of the sacred story of humanity. I speak of the big story which sees the end of duality, conflict and separation to the return of peace, harmony, union and Oneness.

I believe that my little story (as are all of our stories) is a microcosm of what is awakening all over the planet: men and women are beginning to lay down their weapons and come together with compassion and understanding to each do his or her own work in order to heal generations of separation and mistrust.

And as artists we play a significant role in this paradigm shift, in this re-LOVE-ution! In many ways the artist is a modern shaman because through music, art, words etc. he / she is able to bring information and wisdom from beyond the veil into consciousness and enable people to see and experience, that which previously was not visible. Once things are brought into the light of awareness the magic can begin to do its work and in this way to write, to spell words is a form of magic, to write from the heart, from a place of clear, loving intention is a medium for casting a powerful spell!

As Rumi the Sufi mystic poet wrote: ‘there are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.’ I increasingly saw that my gift and ability to write was my way to kneel and kiss the ground.

So the more I relaxed into the alchemy and magic of creating this book, the more deeply my intention became clear that this story would be a healing catalyst to help bring about the divine union of man and woman.

This path of sacred union is the place that life has guided me to explore, as a result of wounds (or gifts) that I received when I was very young.  The culmination of my beautiful and at times painful relationship experiences, find their expression within the pages of this book.  I decided that not only would these pages be a prayer of gratitude for the sacredness of union with another human being but they would also be an offering, some possible guidance and inspiration for others doing their best to navigate this often challenging and yet highly rewarding terrain. It’s not that I claim to be an expert in realtionships (the following pages are testament to this) or that I have all the answers. On the contrary, I am not interested in telling the reader what to do or how to feel, rather, my aim is to show the reader how I felt in my experience, so that they may learn from it and utilize the lessons in their lives.

It seems that the divine twin flame union within each human and the sacred union of man and woman is a foundational shift that is beginning to take place on this planet.  If we are to create a more beautiful, peaceful and loving world for our children and the generations to come we need to learn what union and Love really is and part of this journey of remembering what love is, is discovering what it is not.

In many ways I see my life as a book that I am working on. I keep scribbling and writing, keeping some bits and discarding others that don’t fit or belong anymore. I have come to the point in my life where I have rearranged lines, pages, paragraphs and chapters so that now I am beginning to understand the story of my life and what it was all about. This life editing process is the culmination of what I share with you in the pages of this book and that the conclusion is that it’s all about love. We just have to have the courage and determination to set out on this incredible journey of discovery to experience for ourselves what love really is!

May this book shine a little light to illuminate your path back home.

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Sacred Masculine or Scared Masculine?

The truth is, it’s a fine line!

I lived the first fifteen years of my life in fear that my step mother would assault me while I was at home and when I was at school I lived in fear that I would be teased by my peers for wearing uncool clothes or be verbally or physically attacked by the rougher kids from the other more working class estate.  After I left home I spent seven years with no fixed abode in fear of my fellow drug crazed traveller friends, the abuse of power by the police or local vigilantes.  Yes, fear was my constant companion.  It was there lurking in the shadows all the time like Gollum in Lord of the Rings, following, waiting, whispering.

Fear is a natural aspect of being human.  It is designed to keep us safe so that we alerted to danger and choose appropriate action when our safety is threatened.  But what if we are a child and there are no options that will make us safe?  Then we find ourselves in fight and flight all of the time and the flow of cortisol and stress chemicals become our default state, placing great stress on our adrenal glands and our biology so that our bodies have to try to compensate for this as best they can.  Add to this, if you are in a male body, the platitude that ‘big boys don’t cry’ so that these fear based emotions are not allowed to be processed and we have the beginnings of boys supressing and denying their feelings.  Every young boy will experience fear to varying degrees no matter how lovingly he is raised and consciously or unconsciously will absorb the information that you are ‘less than’ if you feel fear and often are actually  taught to feel shame for feeling fear when it does arise and it can’t be concealed. So we learn to give ourselves a hard time for having a hard time, we shame ourselves!

When a baby is upset or fearful it will cry and alert it’s carers that something is wrong and hopefully it will be attended to.  The emotion is expressed through the sound and through the release of tears.  When a duck has finished a skirmish with another, it will raise itself up and flap its wings to release any of the emotion created in the conflict.  Nature has designed it so that emotional energy is released as it is felt and therefore causes no lasting physical, psychological or emotional harm.

But what happens when a boy or a man’s fear is not expressed?  Then we have a whole society of boys in men’s bodies who adopt many different ways to numb or distract or to conceal their fear. This is most commonly done through addictions like overworking, alcohol, pornography, over consuming food or material things, wearing the mask of status or striving for what our dysfunctional society calls ‘success’. And sadly we leave the realms of our bodies, of our hearts, of our feelings and we retreat into our heads. We become talking heads. If our male leaders were truly in touch with their feelings they could not make the decisions that they do which they know will cause so much suffering to children, women and the planet. These are the very things that the sacred man knows he was born to protect, to raise up and honour.  But we live in a world where men are taught not to feel and we see the result of this disconnect between head and heart.

Let’s be clear that most if not all ‘negative’ or uncomfortable emotions arise from fear: shame, jealousy, guilt, anger all have fear at their root.  This is why the road to sacred masculinity is paved with fear.  To make that epic journey from the head back to the heart I have had to feel much of the fear that had been trapped in my body for decades.  Sometimes I feel fear and I don’t know what it is related to and I just have to trust that it is old energy leaving. Sometimes a situation will trigger an old memory and fear will arise that is far in excess of the current situation.

I know that this issue is not necessarily gender specific.  Women carry the same wound to a large extent.  So it is vitally important that when a man is making that courageous journey back to his heart that he is not shamed or dishonoured for whatever arises.  I have been held in the arms of men and sobbed and sobbed uncontrollably at times when I felt safe enough to allow the years of unexpressed fear to be felt and to leave.  The sacred masculine is not a hunky, tattooed, warrior who fears nothing. He is a man who dares to walk a road without a map because there is little record of this happening before on this earth in our recorded, censored and distorted ‘his’story. He is a man who keeps stepping toward what he fears regardless of how much it evokes haunted memories of past injustices or abuse or shaming that he suffered.

I feel it is no coincidence that the words sacred and scared are so similar.  To become sacred you must acknowledge your scaredness.  You must make fear your constant companion until it is time for you to go your separate ways. Perhaps that day will come or perhaps it will not.  I don’t know because for now I know that, although in much smaller ways, I still find, that I am asked to embrace and honour my fears most days. It seems the journey of becoming the best version of ourselves is never ending and letting go of fear is key to this process.

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If You Come To My Door

If you come to my door then please leave your mind by the path on the garden gate.

It’s not that there is a problem with your mind, you have a beautiful mind, it’s just that it gets a little lost and scared at times.

Do not leave it by my door because it will bounce and jump, so that it can peak through the windows.

Hang it gently, tenderly on the gatepost as if it were your favourite bag with a box of eggs inside.

 

If you come to my door then take my outstretched hand for you are most welcome into this sacred space.

Let me take your coat and shoes and take a seat while I prepare you something warm and soothing to sip.

Show me with your eyes when you are ready to be held and I will wrap my strong arms around you so that you will know that you are safe and cherished.

And allow me the pleasure of nuzzling under the tumble of your thick brown curls so that I can breathe you in; your exquisite, delicate, feminine fragrance.

 

If you come to my door please allow me to prepare some food for us while you lay looking so beautiful on the sofa, and rest your sleepy body.

When our bellies are full let’s watch our spirits swirl and blend with the gentle, warm music and soft, cosy candle light.

 

If you come to my door then perhaps my body will dance and move for you as it has never done before and I will lay back when I am spent and watch your curves ebb and flow to the rhythm of your life’s passion for itself.

If you come to my door then perhaps you will also come to my bed. Perhaps I will lay my hands on you where they are moved to be or I will breathe into you the sacred Lover’s breath and allow the magic to pulsate, to move and tremble your open, physical form.  And the releasing, the transforming will be done with tears and laughter while a  deep reverence and gratitude for this human experience shall join us and watch in awe.

Then we shall lay together and I will caress your face allowing the memories and old fears to surface gently like rainbow bubbles whose time has come to burst.

Please come to my door for your love blesses me as it undoes and dissolves that which was never really me.

Your outstretched hand as I go to leave the bed says so sweetly and tenderly ‘don’t go my love. Stay a while longer.  I want you.’ Your wanting melts my heart and tears for all the unloved and unwanted parts of my self rise up.

And when we are done with our healing, our feeling, our letting go, then we will slip into a hot bath together to wash each other and feel the wet contours of these miraculous human lives. Frankincense and Lavender oil to anoint these sacred bodies that know and feel so much.

If you come to my door then know that I will miss you when you leave; even though we both know that Love can never really leave itself.

If you come to my door…

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On Tender, Loving, Vulnerability and Transformation

Let me make it clear that I share what I share because I believe and know of the power in vulnerability. I am well, I am strong, I am blessed, I am exactly where I need to be, experiencing exactly what is needed in service of my own transformation and that of the collective. I do not need or seek sympathy. I share because I feel it is important to share the whole of me, the whole of the ascension process, the messy bits and the bits that bring shame or lack of self worth to the surface to be released and transformed and dissolved. I share so that others who are finding their journey challenging may find solace in knowing that they are not alone. Too often we just want to share the ‘success’ the shiny end result, the victory. We forget to share the process that may guide and inspire others, we forget to share the perceived failures and the times when we are on our knees and crawling out of bed in the morning takes a super human will. It is the journey that IS the destination and so I feel it is important to share all aspects of my journey in the hope that others may find strength and resilience and faith when each are needed.

And having said all this, if everything is flowing and easy in your journey, then that’s awesome. Suffering and challenge is not to be put on a pedestal. It doesn’t mean that if you are not suffering that you are not growing. Suffering is old paradigm stuff and I believe that it is on the way out because with a new higher, deeper consciousness we don’t need suffering. We can learn from Love and joy and bliss too when we are awake enough to not need the motivation of unnecessary pain for change. Pain is inevitable as part of this current human experience but suffering is optional right NOW. Who knows what the future holds in relation to this.

Right now Life is an amazing blend for me. I feel so blessed and grateful for this Life and where I am on my journey, I am so bathed in Love and compassion and Divine Feminine tenderness and this Love is releasing and displacing the last remnants of fear that reside in my heart. As this fear is displaced I am feeling it in the form of emotions like low self worth and shame and a kind of uncleanness. And I know it is just the old leaving. As it passes through my physical body it causes discomfort. My skin feels uncomfortable, sleep is limited and there are aches and pains and strange sensations particularly in the right (masculine) side of my body. Headaches that are so unusual for me are more common and I am being asked to really honour my body. Today I have a massage booked!

The body and emotional stuff brings some challenges when there are things that need attending to, even though I feel at times I would just like to hibernate in my man cave for the winter!! It is just stuff passing through. It is part of my journey to freedom on all levels. I have taken steps to alleviate the process as best as possible and a large dose of surrender medicine is being swallowed too!

Lots of tenderness and lots of self care is needed at these times when the energy seems to be accelerating our metamorphosis massively.
Be in nature, feet on the earth and head in the sky.
Being with our tribe and being connected with those who we love and are loved by. Whatever we feel, it is personal to some extent but remember it is also humanity’s ‘stuff’ that we are clearing. A whole lineage of clearing is not for the feint of heart!

I believe that tender, loving, vulnerability facilitate transformation. .
All is well and all manner of things shall be well.

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